What Am I to You?
by Shingekyo
Summary: One resolves to hold back his feelings just as another decides to confess. How can Julius and Alice be honest with each other if they can't even be true to themselves?


**What Am I to You?**

 **Alice x Julius**

Julius Monrey wasn't an honest man. The walls in his 'heart' were as high as the Clock Tower itself. His words may have been harsh, but Alice had always known that there was more to him. She had noticed the hint of warmth in his sapphire blue eyes whenever he looked at her. Alice couldn't help but be intrigued by the Clockmaker's true self. She wanted to learn more, so she began to observe him, as any curious young girl would do. Pretty soon, he became the only one who caught her eye. There were multiple available bachelors in Wonderland, but no one could make her heartbeat go faster like he could. He was cold to everyone else, but his inner warmth was what drew her to him like a moth to a flame. He didn't know that she felt this way, however.

Julius, on the other hand, enjoyed the presence of the Outsider. They both shared an unspoken bond. She appreciated his work ethic, and he appreciated her ability to take care of him. Alice always made him coffee, and she always made sure he ate and slept. Alice didn't approve of fighting or killing, and Julius found the ever-increasing death toll to be troublesome. Julius couldn't help but feel a connection between him and the equally cynical girl. Alice remained silent when he tried to finish his work out of respect and he was aware that she was the only one who held him in such a high regard. He was Wonderland's feared mortician to almost everyone except for a select few. Alice was one of those rarities. Julius was grateful for her intrusion upon his residence, because without it, he would be alone with nothing but the ticking sounds of his various analog clocks. He cherished the comfortable silence between the two of them, and he looked forward to it every day. He could never tell her how he felt, though. Julius did not want to ruin what they had. Unfortunately, he felt as if he could never be good enough for the desirable young girl. She had more friends than he could ever make, and he was never able to keep up with her. The introverted Clockmaker kept his distance for he knew that Alice would not want to stay with him forever. He had always expected her to move into the Hatter Mansion, and he couldn't understand why Alice felt so strongly about staying in what she described as 'the only peaceful territory she had ever known.' Julius always fought her whenever she revealed her desire to stay with him in the Clock Tower, for he could believed that he could not offer her the kind of incentives that she deserved. He truly didn't understand what Alice saw in him. He was not as playful as the Cheshire cat, or as youthful as the Bloody twins, or as exuberant as the March Hare. He was just a gloomy, antisocial workaholic whose thoughts were riddled with insecurities.

* * *

A time period after one of these fights, Julius stepped into the kitchen. An apology never escaped his throat, but he had intended to be gentle towards her. He just couldn't bring himself to do it sometimes. Julius started walking towards the coffee maker and he was met with a surprise. Alice's sleeping figure was slumped onto the kitchen table. Her breathing was soft and quiet, and he didn't want to wake her. He found herself smiling lightly as he observed her, and he couldn't help but allow his feelings of affection show on his face. Truthfully, he adored the Outsider, and he despised herself for being unable to show it. He also couldn't help to notice the way her position lowered the sweetheart neckline of her semi-sheer negligee. He could see the top of her breasts, and it was making him go wild. His impure feelings for her disgusted him, but he was a man in love. He couldn't stop those racy thoughts, but he tried his best to push them away. He tried his hardest to avoid making his guest uncomfortable because she trusted him more than he trusted himself.

His skin flushed as he hastily shifted his focus over to her breathing. The gentle rise and fall of her chest made his clock tick irregularly for a brief moment. The Clockmaker wanted to make sure that she would always be breathing even though she lived in world where death was more common than life itself.

His emotions overcame him and he moved. Julius bent down and kissed the top of her head. Alice, whose face was covered by her arm, blinked in confusion. She was half asleep, and she was still a bit dazed from her slumber. He pulled the top of her short night dress up to a decent length. Julius, unaware of her consciousness, moved away and gave her one last longing stare before leaving the room. Alice tried to register what happened, but sleep overcame her once more. This time, everything went dark before she saw colors dance through the air. Alice was standing in the middle of the dream realm. Nightmare floated down to her height.

"Alice." Her name echoed throughout the dream realm. Nightmare appeared from the shadows and floated down towards her. He was her close friend and confidant. The dream demon was the second person who tried to explain Wonderland to her. Julius was the first. "You're confused, aren't you?"

"I don't know." She turned away with a light blush on her face and Nightmare chuckled lightly.

"So you do know. Isn't it about time that you admitted it? After all, this is what you've been waiting for. The Clockmaker finally returned your affections."

"I didn't expect him to kiss me like that," she claimed. Nightmare's voice cut through the air as he spoke.

"But you wanted it," Nightmare pointed out. The Outsider spoke again.

"It doesn't matter what I want. This is only a dream. Julius won't be there when I wake up," Alice exclaimed. Nightmare shook his head and smiled observantly.

"Yes... this is a dream. Which is why you should make the most of it, Alice. You need to act on your feelings," he lectured. Alice's thoughts raced with possible scenarios and Nightmare spoke again. "It looks like you have a lot to think about, so I'm going to let you go for now, but remember this: all of the roleholders in this country are playing the game. They all love you in some way or another. Julius is no exception." The colors surrounding the two seemed to blur and Alice's vision went dark. She opened her eyes and woke up with her head on the kitchen table. The time period had changed while she was in her slumber, and it was morning at last. A smile graced her lips when she fantasized about the possibility of Julius being unable to wake her. If only she knew that her wistful daydream had taken place in reality.

* * *

A few time periods passed and Alice found herself sitting across from Julius. She had finally gathered the courage to confess.

"Julius... We need to talk." She stated. Julius panicked and studied her blank expression. She made sure that she wouldn't reveal her true intentions, and it worried him. He automatically assumed that she had considered his request to change her residence to the Hatter Mansion, and he was ready to let her go. He was used to living in isolation, and he missed savoring the precious moments of solitude that he had before Ace came busting into his office with a bag full of broken clocks. On the contrary, he secretly enjoyed spending time with the Outsider. Alice was... dear to him in a way that he had never known before. He had never felt that way towards anyone before, and he didn't know how to go about it. He thought it was easier to shut her out, because he knew that he wasn't as active or outgoing as the other roleholders. He couldn't protect her in the way that they could, and he was willing to sacrifice his own happiness for her sake. He couldn't help but feel a pang of longing his chest despite that. He sighed and decided that it would be better to hear her out. He was over thinking too much, and it was giving him a slight headache. He rested his fingers on his forehead and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Then talk. I have a lot of work to do, and I don't have time to waste," He snapped. Alice bit her lip and trod carefully. She didn't know how he would react to her confession after the recent argument that they had. She hoped that he had cooled off, but she might have been standing on top of thin ice.

"Julius... I..." She started. He tilted his head and stared at her, dumbfounded.

"You what? Just spit it out." Julius was acting ruder than usual. He was trying so hard to distance himself from her. Once he assumed that she was going to leave, he knew that he had to start getting used to being alone again. What happened next was beyond his wildest imagination.

"I... um... I know we've had our differences, but could you please just hear me out? You can save the commentary for another time, can't you?" Alice looked into his eyes and shifted awkwardly. She knew that she should have spoken with a filter, but if he was going to be rude, then so was she. Julius huffed and crossed his arms before nodding. She waited for him to loosen his arms a bit before continuing again. "I know that I'm always bothering you. I distract you while you're working."

"You don't-" Julius began to protest. He furrowed his brows and gave her a troubled expression. Alice brought a finger to his lip.

"Let me finish." She moved her finger away and continued. "...I know that I annoy you, but I want to stay here. I'm sorry for being selfish, but I really like it here. I feel safe when I'm with you, and I think I finally know why that is." She was met with a pair of curious eyes. "I don't think of you as a friend anymore. I can't because..." She blushed deeply and looked down in embarrassment. "I have feelings for you."

The silence that erupted between Alice and the Clockmaker was different this time. It wasn't comfortable, nor was it relaxing. She searched his eyes and expected him to say something, anything that would help her discern his true feelings. A confession was more than he could ever ask for, and he didn't know how to react. It was just so sudden.

"You're in love with me?" He asked. His surprised tone set her off. Alice's tears rolled down her cheek. They resembled the crystalline droplets of rain that slowly made their way down her windowsill. Alice nodded silently. She tried to speak, but her voice was all choked up. Her tutor rejected her in the long run, and it still pained her. She was overwhelmed by the possibility that Julius might not accept her feelings. She hugged Julius tightly and he tensed up. He wanted to return the hug, but Alice knew how stubborn he could be.

"Alice..." His voice barely rose above a soft whisper. She shook her head and buried her face in his chest. He sighed and stroked her hair gently. "I... am not the right man for you. You should know that by now. I can only cause you pain." Alice pulled away abruptly and looked up at him with a look of utter disbelief written across her face.

"You gave me a place to stay, drank my coffee, and listened to my problems. How could you hurt me? You're not like Ace or Blood. I don't understand why you're being so-"

"I don't expect you to." Julius cut her off. He turned away and ignored Alice's look of utter rejection. He tried to make his voice sound cold, but a hint of emptiness could be seen in his eyes. "My role doesn't permit me to waste my time with such foolishness. I have clocks to fix." Julius started to walk out of the kitchen. Alice knew that he planned to retreat into his office and he sniffled. She wiped her eyes and raised her voice as she spoke. The sudden anger in her tone surprised the Clockmaker, but he tried his best to keep a straight face.

"Then why did you kiss me that night?" She questioned. Julius stared at her blankly before it set in. He widened his eyes and she knew she had him. He grew somewhat flustered, but he still kept his cool exterior.

"I don't know what you're talking about." His voice sounded bitter, but she knew better. The Outsider stepped towards him with sheer determination in her eyes.

"That time when I was in the kitchen. You thought I was _asleep_ , didn't you?"

"Weren't you?" He asked before covering his mouth. Julius had planned to act oblivious, but he gave himself away.

"No. I was only half asleep," she replied curtly. Julius staggered a bit, but Alice held onto his arm. "Did that kiss mean nothing to you, Julius?" He could hear her voice breaking and he was at a loss for words. He hesitated before speaking again.

"That's not-" His words were cut short when Alice pulled him down to her height. Their eyes met and he was unable to look away.

"Then prove it." The once-passive Outsider pulled him down and planted a kiss on his mouth. Julius couldn't pull away no matter how much he wanted to. He was enraptured by the soft lips against his own. She tasted sweet, like the sugar in his coffee. Alice saw an opportunity and decided to take advantage of the situation. She pulled away and a small smile grazed her lips. "You didn't pull away," she stated before sighing in relief. Julius was mesmerized by the event that had just taken place, and it took him a while before he could form a coherent sentence.

"I just want what's best for you. You know that I am hated in this world. Blood might be dangerous, but he's powerful and he... He's not..." Julius stuttered. He hated revealing his insecurities to others, and he always tried to avoid it. He may have thought it was easier to push Alice away, but she wasn't going to let that happen.

"YOU'RE what's best for me. I don't care what anyone else thinks. I want YOU." She hugged him again, this time longer than the last. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tighter. His began to reveal his true feelings.

"Are you really okay with me?" He murmured. Alice had to laugh at that one.

"You're the only one that keeps me sane in this crazy world. I don't know what I'd do without you, and you'll probably pass out from hunger if I'm not here to take care of you. You really should eat and sleep properly, you know. You need to put your health first for once," she nagged. She frowned a bit and her lighthearted tone changed into a more serious one. "I'm not kidding, Julius. I really want to stay with you," She declared. Julius waited for an opportunity to pull away, and once he did, his unexpected boldness caught her off guard.

"Only if you let _me_ kiss _you_ this time," he bargained. Alice broke into a huge grin. She waited and shut her eyes slowly as he bent down and kissed her. It was fast, but gentle. Alice giggled as she pulled away.

"I never took you for the affectionate type," she teased. Julius blushed lightly, despite himself.

"I'm willing to make an exception just this once," he quipped. "I apologize for upsetting you earlier."

"You have all the time in the world to make it up to me," Alice concluded with a smile. Alice got up and walked over to the kitchen cabinet. She pulled out a bag of coffee beans and held them up. "Do you want me to make you some coffee?" She asked. Julius' expression brightened and he chuckled. His laughter was something that Alice hadn't heard in a while. Julius sat across from her favorite chair. There was a mixture of joy and relief in his tone when he responded,

"I'd love some."

* * *

Thanks for reading, everyone! This is my first fanfic, so please feel free to write a review. :)

~Cecelia


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